


Oh, Tish. That’s French.

by Llexeh



Series: Steve Is Going to Lose His Damn Mind [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone is at least a bit ooc, F/M, How Do I Tag, I'm so tired I'm sorry I'm ranting in tags, M/M, New Year's Eve Gala, Panic Attacks, Pre-Slash, Steve Needs a Hug, The author is asking for patience and support, all Avengers are here but I only tagged who is mentioned, hugs are great tbh, reckless stupid superhero behaviour, the Author Needs a Hug, two very minor OCs that I selfishly used to develop Steve's character, you'll have to imagine Vision in a tux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 15:19:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10574031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Llexeh/pseuds/Llexeh
Summary: So they had an argument. All friends have arguments sometimes. It wasn’t even a fight, Jesus. Yet Tony wouldn’t answer his text, Mrs. Williams needed his help, Steve felt sick with worry, and above all it was New Year’s Eve as well because why not, right? Ah, and they all had to go to the charity gala so Pepper wouldn’t ground them or something. Steve was absolutely not ready for a panic attack. Like, at all.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Joeybelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joeybelle/gifts).



> I won't even insult your intelligence (whoever is still here to read this) and try and make excuses for why it took me three bloody months to finish this shit. Long story short, I had to go protest for democracy in my home country, and then my mental health just plummeted. I'm a lot better now, and depending on work shifts I should be able to get the next part out in less than three months. No promises tho, I'm pretty shit. 
> 
> As the tags say, this one's got a pretty detailed panic attack, as well as multiple mentions of anxiety. Sending love and strength to all of you. 
> 
> I've had the speechless bit stuck in my head for months now and I'm so glad it's finally in writing, pretty much in the same version as I initially imagined. This is till pre-slash. As I've mentioned before, the format of this series being what it is, this is a long run, slow burn kind of thing. I'd appreciate if you trusted me it will be worth it in the end, but then I'd hype it up and you might expect things and I don't know if I can deliver. So, grain of salt, everyone. 
> 
> This instalment is ridiculously unedited. Expect errors I missed, punctuation that might be off, syntax that might scratch your cornea. I'm aiming to fix anything that might be wrong over the next couple of days. I'm simply too tired to do it now, and I feel too guilty for taking this long not to post it now. Conundrum. 
> 
> This is a gift for Joey again, who is my fanfiction soulmate and bae. Endless thanks for putting up with me even when I'm crap and don't write for weeks. iub mult ben 
> 
> Blatant shameless reference to The Addams Family in the title. Couple goals tbh, so I regret nothing. 
> 
> Very unbeta-ed. Unbetaed? Unbeta'ed? Yep, still awkward.

The third time Steve was left speechless by how attractive Tony was, there were lips pressed tightly against his. He thought in hindsight that was as much reason for his lack of verbal response as seeing his stupid crush smile over a room full of people.

Things were never quite calm in Steve’s life. Correction, in Steve’s conscious life. He imagined things were quite calm for the million years he was frozen. But in his conscious life, he always had some memory or the other of turmoil of sorts. It was a very blanket statement. When he was young, there was the stress of dying as he walked, or of being beaten up and bleeding behind a dumpster - or in a dumpster, depending on his assailants’ mood. When he went through the procedure that made him Captain America (and Bucky always _always_ argued that he was Captain America even when he was a scrawny little shit), things were anything but calm. When he danced on stages that trembled under his weight, he was anything but calm. When he was fighting Nazis there was nothing calm, especially not the people around him. When he came back, when they went into battle, nothing shouted calm. Even in the domestic setting of their weird superfamily, calm was a very apparent and relative thing. Someone always had something going on, and they relied on each other too heavily not to empathize.

So, Steve’s life was hectic. He was fine with it. There was a lot to be grateful for, mostly being alive, so he took it all as such and using Fury’s words compartmentalized the shit out of it.

The sooner it got to New Year’s Eve, the less calm things got in the tower. Of course, a seemingly low-life villain who dropped bombs from drones decorated as reindeer didn’t help. Tony had flown out through one of the windows, Thor managed to shortcircuit half the tower, and Natasha broke the coffee table in what was collectively deemed the most ridiculous attempt on their life ever. The damage to the tower wasn’t even the guy’s fault - Mr. Rudolph he called himself and Steve was starting to develop some sort of allergy to the name. All of the damages came from convoluted actions taken thinking there was more real danger. Steve’s favourite moment was Darcy tasing the shit out of the guy when he got in her sights, and then throwing her shoe at him for ruining her lunch date. Bruce had mercifully stayed as Bruce, even though the distinct green hue was everpresent. Darcy’s fingers soothed the back of his head, and it seemed to work fine.

As far as Fury was concerned, there were no collateral victims, and very little repairs needed to the tower surroundings. The tower itself had seen better days, but nothing they couldn’t sort out quickly if the threat of not having electricity permeated their lives.

Things settled down for a bit. When Doombots attacked, Reed Richards called Tony and when Tony ignored it, proceeded to call Steve who also wanted to ignore him but was essentially a good person. It was just to inform them that they got it, and Steve really wanted to stay out of it, but the line went dead right after a horrible scream and he sighed, suited up, grabbed Wanda and ran out to help.

Tony spent the entire fight in his ear baseball commentary style, accents and voices accurately done. He had to fight the urge to laugh as he climbed onto the back of a Doombot and bashed it with his shield.

“Go work for a living, maybe I’ll even forgive you giving me my present late,” Tony said in between the commentary of the fight.

“Shut up, Stark!” Then it dawned on Steve. “You hate being handed things,” he said simply, as if Tony was a normal human being who picked up on the subtleties of human interaction.

There was a long string of rapid one-liners about Mr. Fantastic that Steve had to focus to battle through. “It’s your lost puppy face and the tasteful bulging muscles. If everybody who handed me things looked like you, I’d have less of a problem with it. Oh, he’s being stretched thin!”

Steve stopped as soon as he disabled the Doombot. “How is flirting with me acceptable in the middle of a battle? I swear if we had a working HR that wasn’t an angry guy who disappeared off the face of the planet when he was inconvenienced…” Steve tried as hard as possible not to hyperventilate as he said the words.

Tony laughed. “What, you’d report me for lewd behaviour? You have a ridiculous physique and a small golden-lab-who’s-been-kicked-out face. How is that inappropriate? Or flirting? Or middle of battle, you’re not even moving - Steve duck!”

Obeying suggestions barked as orders was ingrained in Steve’s reflexes. It came not only from the military training he received, but from trusting his team. So he ducked and got up shield first to shove a bot off him. “Ah, I see. So you’re not flirting, good to know,” he said trying to be as neutral as possible and not give in to the sinking feeling in his stomach. “Thanks,” he said and took off to where Wanda was making two bots bash into each other three feet off the ground.

“That would be completely inappropriate,” Tony said with a fake grave voice. Steve had no fucking clue anymore. He was an idiot.

“Shit! Shit shit shit shit shit!”

“Steve? Steve are you okay?”

“Fuck! No, wait.”

Johnny Richards was unconscious as far as Steve could tell, trapped under an uprooted tree. He really wanted to believe the smear of red on his forehead was not blood. There were Doombots rushing to him, and Steve was too far away. Reed was coiled around several of them, his sister was under heavy fire, and Ben was caught in his own fight. He shouted for Wanda, but she was dodging attacks left and right, her hair cackling with magic. Steve was too far away, and even if Doom wouldn’t necessarily maim Johnny, it was still not a good scenario.

“STEVE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE,” he heard, and it sounded like wind was rushing in his ears as well. He had taken off as soon as he saw the kid was in danger, even if he would not make it to him in time. He had to try. The remnants of snow under his boots didn’t help at all. He was thirty feet away when he heard Tony shout “duck, roll!” again and he did, throwing himself to the left and rolling away from the incoming aerial assault.

As soon as he assessed the situation, he was back on his feet, pulling the tree off Human Torch and carrying him away. Wanda kept a shield up behind them, and Reed slithered to where Steve was hiding both of them from the remaining bots while Tony hatefully disposed of them.

“Pathetic… technologically challenged… self-absorbed… asshole,” he said punctuating each insult with a blast. When he was done he landed next to Steve and shoved him. Hard. “Are you out of your goddamned mind?” he asked deathly calm. But there were no calm things in Steve’s life, so he was wary.

“What? Why?”

“You answer, you talk! I’m in the lab following your movements and the next thing I know you go quiet except for cursing, and the cameras on the CCTV stops working because Doom is an asshole, and I have no visual, my drones are far, and I have no idea what the hell is happening!”

Steve had to clench his leg muscles to keep himself from walking up to Tony and kiss his face. This was new. This never happened in battle where Steve was focused solely on his team and their synergy. But Tony’s only body part that wasn’t obscured by flashy metal was his frowny face, and Steve had already established he was gone.

“You’re not my handler, Stark. I acted in the best interest of the endangered party,” he defended himself tightly.

“By rushing into a situation where not only you couldn’t do anything in a timely manner, but you put yourself in danger as well.”

“Me, a person whose job this is, who has the abilities needed to enter these situations and help?”

“Your job is not dying!” Tony shouted and Steve had nothing to say to that.

“Uh, he got you there old man.”

“Not now Ben,” Reed’s voice came from the side.

“Thank you for saving my brother,” Sue said quietly, brushing off dirt from Johnny’s face.

“The kid’s gonna be fine, it’s superficial at best,” Tony dodged the gratitude and turned to Steve, the scowl still in place.

“Guys, if you want to move your domestic dispute back at the tower, that would also be okay,” Wanda told them in a voice so sarcastic Pietro was probably crafting a badge as she said it. “I mean we can also stay here where these people running towards us can film it and put it on Youtube so we get hits and -”

“We’re going, we’re going!” Tony said, and as soon as his faceplate was lowered he took off. His voice came through the coms almost immediately. “You’re not allowed to talk to any of the sarcastic people in our team. And you’re grounded! Both of you!”

Wanda’s laughter helped Steve a little, but the uneasy feeling in his throat and stomach and lungs and pretty much anywhere in his body didn’t let up. Once they were back in the tower Steve knew he had to do something to clear the air, or the anxiety would torment him for days. Confrontation was fine with Steve if it meant he was confronting enemies and they were being defeated. Arguing was not his favourite sport, as tough as he tried to look when it happened. He was perfectly capable of folding his arms and frowning and scowling and tapping his foot impatiently, but the underlying nervousness was hard to ignore.

He headed to Tony’s lab as soon as he made sure Wanda was not hurt. It was uncharacteristically quiet, even if the lights were on. He used his access code and endured the accompanying song that played when he entered - Steve still didn’t know what he was, and he always had more pressing matters than to find it afterwards. Tony wasn’t in there; he had half expected to see him on the corner sofa that was more comfortable than anything Steve had ever slept on. In fact, Steve could easily sit down for a bit. And he could even recline and maybe just fall asleep for a couple of minutes. The last thing he saw was the hole in the ceiling, the rubble on the floor, and with an affectionate “Fuck’s sake, Stark,” he fell asleep.

Tony wasn’t in the tower when Steve woke up. Friday informed him that “the boss” had to fly out to Boston for a last minute meeting. Which in Tony-English meant he was probably hiding in a lab somewhere in the world for as long as he needed to get over whatever it was he was annoyed about. Steve’s anxiety reminded him repeatedly that he was mad at him, and Steve knew that too well. But if Tony needed time off, Steve would respect that. And punch through several bags until he felt tired enough to sleep.

Pepper brought their formal wear the day before the charity gala. Steve’s foul mood was grateful that she didn’t insist they tried it on. When he pulled her aside to ask about Tony she rolled her eyes and touched his shoulder softly.

“He’ll be there tomorrow, don’t worry,” she said kindly.

“No, I mean, is he okay?”

“Well, he’s alive and safe but I really don’t know if he’s okay.” She paused and looked at the floor briefly before focusing on his face once more with renewed determination. “Tony sometimes gets like this. It used to be drunken stupors and sleeping around, then it was putting the suit on and going after some bad guys, nowadays he’s been pretty stable but I don’t know. He’ll be okay, he just needs to be alone for a bit I think.”

Steve wanted to punch himself. “It’s just - I think I may have - I think I caused it this time,” he finished lamely.

She nodded in understanding. “This is between the two of you, and I’m sure whatever it is you think you’ve done wasn’t intentional. He’ll be here tomorrow, you can talk to him then,” she said and hugged him briefly before she left.

Steve’s anxiety roared in the dead center of his stomach. Tony’s idea of being alone suddenly didn’t seem so terrible anymore. After he and Bucky became friends, his mother used to say they had some sort of cosmic connection that would drive her mad one day. That was probably what brought Bucky to his side casually leaning on the same wall Steve was using as a prop.

“Just text him, Stevie,” Bucky said casually.

Steve couldn’t help the snort. “Yeah, that always works.”

Bucky shrugged. “Maybe not right now, but at least he’ll know you’re thinking about whatever it is you think you’ve done wrong. I mean, Peggy shot at you. And you couldn’t even text back then, so I’d call this an improvement.”

“I don’t even wanna know how you know all this,” Steve said defeated.

“Which one?”

“All of it, Buck.”

“I grew up with you, I know where your mind goes when it gets like this,” he offered.

“Got any ideas how to call it back into right here right now? Cause I could use some sleep,” Steve said with a frown.

“You’re barking at the wrong tree, I can’t even figure out how to get my own mind to cooperate half the time. The other half I’m trying to be a normal human being.”

“But hey, at least we’re in this together, right?” Steve asked.

“Till the end of the line, pal” Bucky replied, and for a moment, the world didn’t seem all that bleak.

 

 

 

 

> _I’m sorry if I acted foolishly, I get into battle mode and forget I’m not supposed to be reckless anymore. Hope we can talk some more tomorrow. Be safe. Steve (I know you know this, but I can’t not sign my texts I’m so weird I’m sorry)_

***

“I will literally take this stiletto off and hammer it into your head,” Natasha said calmly as she tried to get Clint dressed. “How are you this inept? You can shoot a moving target 500 feet away without looking but a suit gets you so confused you have to sit down.”

“500 feet?” Clint asked and Natasha lifted her foot to show the realness of her threat. “Okay, okay, just sort it out please. Pepper will get mad if I’m not ready.”

“ _I’m_ gonna get mad in approximately four seconds if you don’t button that shirt up properly so I can do your bowtie,” she said and pulled him up from the sofa. “Who’s next?” she shouted looking around the room. There was a murmur of agreement, and rustling noises as people hurried to get everything done.

When Steve finally entered the room, he was still on the phone, his shirt wonky and half-buttoned, and his shoes in his other hand. “No, Mrs. Williams - Marjorie, of course. Yes, I know we’re almost the same age. I promise it’s not a problem - no other plans. I’ll start making my way now, yes of course I still have the key. Great, don’t worry, I’ll be with you shortly.”

“Um, hi, Steve? Right here to your left? Hi, yeah, what do you mean _you have no other plans?”_ Steve was suddenly very aware of why everyone and their mother was afraid of Pepper.

He sighed and unbuttoned his shirt to do it up properly. “I can’t tell this 80 year old woman who barely has anyone left in the world, let alone in this hemisphere that I won’t go over to fix her lights and boiler.”

Natasha sighed. “Steve, I’m sure there’s someone we can send, some agent who’s on duty anyway -”

“They are on duty because they have a job. This woman used to be my neighbour, she remembers me from the war, every now and then she makes me a pot roast, and she is alone. And she won’t trust a stranger. I’ll just be a bit late,” he finished, trying to work out how to fix his sleeves.

Pepper stepped up in front of him. “This is important to you. Right?”

“Very much so.”

“Okay, okay, we can sort this out. I’ll call the chopper to get you in and out quickly, there’s no way you’re driving to Brooklyn and back in time. And take your clothes with you, if she sees you all dressed up she’ll know.” She looked around to assess the situation. “You all look pretty ready to leave so go downstairs and head off. Tony will meet us there, hopefully at least a bit sober.” She turned to Steve. “That shirt needs cufflinks, come with me.”

He briefly entered his room to change into jeans and a sweater, and put his formal wear in a clothes bag, then he followed her upstairs to Tony’s room. As soon as he realised what she was doing, he stopped in the door. “I’ll just wait here,” he told her. “It’s not right.”

She snorted and went on to rummage through a drawer. When she returned she held out a pair of silver Iron Man cufflinks. Steve took them and tried not to stare. “You know how to use cufflinks, I assume?” she asked.

“I’m old, not senile,” he said drily.

“No, it’s just cause you seemed to struggle with the shirt and I didn’t - of course you know how to use cufflinks, I’m sorry -”

“Pepper, I’m joking! Calm down. I wasn’t paying attention to what I put on earlier so I didn’t realise what it was,” he reassured.

She sighed in relief. “I forget you’re not all stiff righteousness,” she said with a laugh.

“You have no idea how hard it is for me not to make a dirty joke right now. Very hard,” he deadpanned as he turned to walk up the stairs. Pepper was still in hysterics when he punched in the code to unlock the roof door.

The chopper was there, tired pilot and all. Steve got in, secured his clothes and himself and signalled where he needed to be. It was a short ride, and he pointed out the nearest roof that wouldn’t raise too many questions.

“That’s my mother’s house over there,” the pilot said excitedly, pointing in the general direction of an apartment building. “Sorry, I’ll wait here for you, Sir.”

Steve considered the situation for a second. “What’s your name, son? You work for Pepper Potts, right?”

“I’m Andy Martin, Sir. Technically, I was a SHIELD employee but after… yeah, I got a job for Stark Industries and Agent Hill vouched for me so now I work directly for Miss Pepper,” he explained in that clipped tone agents always retained.

“Why don’t I sort it out with Pepper and you go see your mom for New Year’s Eve? I’ll just fly myself back to the gala,” Steve said.

“I can’t do that, Sir, it’s my job to -”

“I’m dismissing you, agent,” Steve insisted. “I’m going to text Pepper now and let her know. I promise you’ll still receive the extra pay for working today if you promise to hug your mother and not go too wild with your friends.”

The young man’s eyes widened as he nodded frantically. “I’ve not had a chance to spend time with her properly for the holidays, I don’t even want to go out at all. Captain, are you sure? Do you have a minute to come in and say hi? She’s one of your biggest fans.”

Steve couldn’t say no to people, Bucky always called him out on it. It was a weakness Steve was aware of, and it was easy to exploit if one knew what to look for. But his pilot looked trustworthy, and Steve was already there so what would ten more minutes be. So he nodded and got out.

Agent Martin’s mother was a short plump woman, whose eyes glistened with tears when she realised her son was home. She insisted Captain America eat a couple of cookies, and packed a couple for his journey. She hugged him repeatedly, thanking him, and making sure there was nothing she could do for him.

Even though he had a key, he chose to knock. Mrs Williams opened the door entirely too trustful for Steve’s liking. He couldn’t help his smile, however, when her entire face lit up once her assumption was confirmed.

“You should be more careful,” he said.

“Oh, pish posh! I knew it was you,” she told him with a girly giggle. She opened the door fully and stepped aside so he could walk in. “Besides, I have my cane right here. I’d smack anyone who thought I’d be an easy target.”

Steve’s endearment towards the woman surged. She regarded him over her half moon reading glasses. Her gray hair was pulled back in an intricate bun, and her thin red lips lifted in a kind smile. “I just wish you’d give them a chance, that’s all. A strong woman like you, it just wouldn’t be fair now, would it?”

“You are just terrible, Steve! Terrible!” she exclaimed, and slapped his arm in innocent flirting. After they sat down for a cup of tea she turned and required him knowingly. “So you have no plans then?”

Steve stalled, because this woman could read him like an open book. Pretty much everyone could, if he was honest. But Marjorie was particularly adept at that. So he sipped his tea and hummed noncommittally. “Yeah, nothing, just a quiet sort of gathering. But it’s really not that big of a deal or anything,” he said and he was perfectly aware he was babbling.

“Sure,” she agreed warmly. “I mean, what’s a charity gala between a couple of friends, right? I do watch the news, you know.”

He tried not to groan because he was more polite than that, but after surrounding himself with infuriating people it was getting increasingly difficult to contain. It spoke volumes about the level of comfort he had reached, both within his team and with Mrs Williams, if he wasn’t even all that bothered. Not when she laughed wholeheartedly like that.

“It’s okay, Steve. I knew you were lying on the phone. But I’m old and look it - unlike others,” she said and sipped her tea for dramatic effect, “and I’m allowed to be selfish and call a national treasure to come fix my bathroom lights and the stupid boiler.”

He brought her hand up for a light kiss. “You look marvellous as always,” he said. “Now let me have a look.”

He sorted the light bulbs out first, and then moved on to fix the boiler. After gruesome minutes of diagnostics, everything took a turn for the better when he realised the error was due to low water pressure. From there it was just a matter of identifying the right knob, and as soon as that was done the familiar whirring started up again.

“You’re my favourite superhero ever!” Mrs Williams said as she hugged him tightly.

“How many do you know?” Steve joked.

“Enough to know you’re my favourite!” She walked them back to the coffee table and looked around. “Now, not to seem ungrateful and I’m definitely not eager to see you go in the cold weather, but…”

“You know the cold doesn’t affect me,” he interrupted.

“Let me finish! But don’t you have somewhere to be?”

Steve sighed. “Alright, alright, I’m going! But you need to promise not to be so quick to answer the door.” He got up and hugged her. “And you need to come visit me at the tower and meet everyone.”

Marjorie gave him a watery smile. “What could your Avengers want with an old lady?”

“Don’t even try it, sweetheart, you know you’re the best,” he said.

They hugged two more times before Steve heard the door lock behind him. His heart was heavy with the feeling that he would never see her again. It was her age, and also a first hand experience of losing people he cared about. It was emphasised by his job, and the way some of his teammates were more vulnerable than others. And while the thought occurred to him before, it was just in light of this that he acknowledged that perhaps Tony was just as affected by these thoughts. Sure, Steve had benefitted from the serum, and he was hard to take down, but to someone who had lost people before, this was not a factor. For Tony, whose parents were dead, whose friends betrayed him, who lost civilians before, this was not a factor. Steve had put himself in danger, and yes he could survive a lot more than the average person, but he could also die, and at the end of the day that’s what stuck with Tony. Tony, who had such difficulty showing his positive emotions; who relied on sarcasm, quips, and insults; who may or may not have flirted with Steve as a joke; who felt was responsible for the entire world and then more.

Steve flew over New York pestered with all these thoughts. He felt guilty and the anxiety returned. Would Tony even be there? He felt like someone would have let him know, even if in a text. Would Tony shun him? Would he even look him in the eye? Steve wanted to apologise. Profusely. Repeatedly. For things he’d done. And not done. For everything ever. Because Tony’s smile lit up his entire day, and maybe it wasn’t healthy, and maybe Steve was well and truly fucking gone, but it was what it was, and he needed them to be okay. It wasn’t like he hadn’t already resigned himself to a lot of time (a lifetime?) of pining after the scientist, but this was more than about his crush. This was about the deep care he held for the man outside of hard dick and speechless moments. He needed them to be okay.

He almost forgot to change in his hurry to get inside. The city was buzzing, and he was really hoping there wouldn’t be any lunatic to ruin the fun. He was hoping even villains wanted to celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new one. Or that they were drunk and passed out. Whatever, as long as they left the city alone for a night.

He was fixing his second cufflink when a hand pulled him to the side. He bristled and relaxed instantly when Pepper’s rosy cheeks lifted in a smile.

“You made it!”

Steve was many things, including a savage from time to time, but he was not rude. He held her hand and spun her slowly, whistling in admiration. “You look absolutely beautiful, Pepper,” he said and kissed her knuckles softly.

She blushed and it warmed Steve’s heart. “Thank you, Steve,” she said and pulled him to the bar. “Come on, the others were asking about you.”

He joined their rather glamorous group with a large smile. This was his family. He tried to surreptitiously find Tony, but Natasha’s knowing look made him roll his eyes. He raised an eyebrow and she shook her head. Tony wasn’t in sight and she had no idea. Or no will to share intel. Great, one of those moods. He was given a drink and accepted it as a prop more than anything else.

A buzz went around the room, people chattering more excitedly all of a sudden. Steve was alert, but not wary yet. The lights dimmed, a spotlight flickering on a podium at the front of the room. The knot in his stomach seemed to tighten. There weren’t many things that could elicit that response, and he very much doubted the President of the United States was attending this particular charity gala. One of the popstars maybe, but this was New York, and Hollywood seemed more like the scene for that. No, Steve knew. Somewhere inside of his heart, he knew. If he was the tiniest bit more self-aware, he might have even heard the telling deafening sound of the train horn.

Steve took pride in his multitasking skill set. He was able to focus on several things at once and prioritise. Even so, he was taken aback by the gentle hand on his forearm. He turned to the person and found himself almost face to face with an unknown woman. Within seconds, as he opened his mouth to greet her, her lips attached to his in a pressing kiss. He was vaguely aware of her hand holding mistletoe above their heads. He was vaguely aware of the smell of her perfume, blonde hair, the softness of her lips moving on his, the heavy taste of alcohol. He was more aware of how his eyes didn’t close, but instead focused on the bright spotlight now illuminating Tony Stark on the stage.

Steve felt it everywhere. By now the train was familiar, and he felt like a broken record thinking it over and over again. The entire thing was surreal as fuck. He was involved in a kiss he wasn’t exactly reciprocating while falling in love with Tony _again_. He could feel his throat constrict and he knew he wouldn’t be able to talk even if a woman wasn’t currently attached to his face.

Fucking surreal. He’d seen Tony in suits before, even in a tux. He’d seen extensive footage and he’d even seen it in person. He wished Howard was alive so he could punch him in his smirking face for fucking his brain up with his stupid serum. He knew it wasn’t just Howard, but his mind was racing and he was gone. He also wanted to pick him up after the punch and shout that he was in love with his son and there was nothing anyone could do. Other than Tony, who could reject him, of course. Or a villain who could find out and seek revenge.

“Looks like our dear Captain found himself a belle of the ball!” Tony’s voice boomed in the room, followed by pearly laughter everywhere.

He managed to gently dislodge the woman. He could hear the crowd cheering, Tony speaking, the woman speaking, his teammates speaking. Steve couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t comprehend anything that was being said anymore, and he couldn’t breathe. God damn it, this was just like before the serum, when his asthma was horrible. This must have been it, his asthma was probably back. Steve thought he could feel his body shrink as the effect of the serum wore off, because this was the only explanation that made sense. He was reverting back to small pathetic asthmatic Steve. If he thought he had no chance with Tony before, this was just a whole new level of impossible.

“Breathe with me, Stevie, you got this.” Bucky’s hand cupped the back of his neck and held him firmly. His voice was determined in his ear. “It’s okay, just breathe, you got this.”

“I’m small again,” Steve whispered, unable to look away from Tony’s unmoving smile. The scientist’s mouth moved, but Steve couldn’t hear anything.

Bucky’s other hand grabbed his arm. “You’re not. Steve, just breathe with me. Four seconds in, hold for seven, exhale. Come on, let’s get you some fresh air.”

He could feel himself being maneuvered and he knew instinctively to trust. The cold air felt amazing on his skin. He pulled at his tie, and gentle fingers helped him loosen it. He leaned on the railing, trying to inhale as deeply as possible.

“That’s it, you got this,” Bucky said again. “You okay?” he asked when Steve’s breathing calmed down a bit.

“I don’t know, yeah, maybe, yeah.”

Bucky laughed. “Which one is it, pal?” Steve just shook his head. “What happened?”

“I have no idea. This woman kissed me, and then I saw… and then I couldn’t breathe, and then it felt like before, and I don’t have a clue,” he said shakingly.

“What did you see?”

“Just… The stage, and the light, and the train, and I couldn’t breathe at all. Who is that woman?”

“Steve, what train?” Bucky turned his face this way and that way, checking for something. “Are you poisoned?” He paused, looked around. “Are you cursed?”

That seemed to make Steve focus. “What? No! I’m just… I’m okay now, it’s okay.”

“What train?”

“What?”

“What train, you idiot?”

“I just really don’t like trains that much!”

Bucky paused. “I’m not a fan either, buddy, but I don’t see them in the middle of a ballroom.”

“I mean, if you did see them it would have to be from way below as you fell to your death,” Steve said with an eyeroll.  

“Too soon, you asshole!” Bucky laughed and punched him in the shoulder.

They stayed on the balcony trading barbs until Steve felt stable enough to go back in. Bucky knew to stop pushing for answers, and focused on insults and jokes instead. He mentioned wishing he had a cigarette, and Steve agreed despite only trying to smoke once and nearly dying in the process.

“Come on, they’ll write about this for days anyway,” Steve said and tightened his tie knot.

“Hey, bad publicity is still publicity.” He paused. “I need to stop watching crap tv shows,” he concluded, and followed Steve back inside. “If you weren’t fed super serum, you could pass as drunk!”

“Helpful, do you come here often?”

“Such an asshole, I swear,” Bucky shook his head.

“Yeah, cause a drunk Captain America wouldn’t feed the tabloids,” Steve threw sarcastically.

“I would personally pay to see that,” Tony’s voice cut in their conversation as they stood by the bar.

Steve rolled his eyes, willing the beast that was somersaulting in his stomach to calm the fuck down. “That’s cause you’re rich.”

“And I like to indulge myself in life’s best pleasures,” he added and sipped his scotch. “You okay captain? I don’t remember Cherry - wait, Christine? no, wait, what’s her...? - Chloe! There you go! I don’t remember her making me need fresh air. Although she is quite attractive. Bit of a pushy - what’s that word Thor used that one time that I liked?”

“Bint,” Steve offered automatically.

Tony paused. “Yes, that’s it. Why do you even remember that?”

Steve didn’t know what he wanted to punch more: himself, Tony, Howard, the universe, himself (he deserved to be in the list twice for the sheer stupidity he exhibited), or fourteen reinforced bags. Of course Tony had some sort of thing with her before, why the fuck would that not be the case? And of course he remembered every stupid detail about the scientist, because why the fuck would he not be pathetic?

“Good memory,” he said instead of all the ramblings in his head. Tony nodded in understanding and the quiet stretched between them until it became uncomfortable despite the noise in the room. “Are you still mad at me?”

“Tony Stark, you’re a vision!”

The groan from his side alerted Steve of unwanted presence. He turned and had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes and reach for a shield he didn’t have on.

“Justin Hammer, you’re supposed to be in prison!”

The man smiled widely at Tony. “You know I don’t like to stay put for too long.” He turned to Steve. “I don’t believe we’ve met.”

“I don’t believe I missed out on anything,” Steve retorted quickly.

Hammer threw his head back and laughed loudly. “Feisty! I like it! It’s a dangerous type to have, don’t you think, Stark?”

Tony rolled his eyes. “How did you even get in?”

Justin downed his drink and wiped at the corner of his mouth with a practiced gesture. Steve’s urge to punch something was rapidly concentrating on a singular target. “It wasn’t easy, I’ll let you know. I had to rely on a date, can you imagine? In this day and age to have to rely on a date?” He looked around, eyes slightly unfocused. “Ah, there she is!”

The blonde hair was the first clue, but it wasn’t until she stepped up in between him and Hammer that Steve smelled her perfume and realised it was the same woman who had kissed him earlier. Great. The Red Skull sounded good right about now, please and thanks. She slithered under Hammer’s arm, reaching to fondle Steve’s bicep.

“So strong and pretty,” she said, her speech slurred.

Steve was not rude. He absolutely wasn’t. In the war he had to gently fend off affection from heart eyes girls who thought he was God’s gift or something. The propaganda machine worked, and they were disillusioned by how the world portrayed Captain America. Steve was terrified of them. He was also not rude, but he was rapidly reaching the end of his patience.

“Perhaps you should stop drinking, ma’am.”

She giggled loudly, reaching up to touch his face. The fact that he took a step back didn’t seem to deter her. “Ma’am! Oh, you’re so cute. Isn’t he, Tony?”

“Mhm,” the scientist offered from his glass. “Chloe, sit down and get something to eat. And ditch the lump on your arm, he’s about as useful as a hole in a condom.”

Steve fought the snort threatening to escape. Hammer, on the other hand, didn’t look as amused. He took a step towards Tony, but Steve was sober and had the advantage of the serum and was in love with Tony and was just generally angry at everything. So he also took a step forward, essentially shielding the scientist behind him. He could swear there was an actual shadow over Hammer, and the widening, almost fearful eyes that met his made him happy.

“I would advise against that,” he said quietly. “If you value your face at all,” he added in a calm voice.

“Are you threatening me?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Clearly.”

Pepper stepped into their little circle of mistrust. “Tony, you need to come entertain the ambassadors before they write another letter about how unwelcoming you are. I wouldn’t care if I didn’t have to deal with it - oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” She rubbed a thin finger between her eyebrows.

“Always a pleasure -”

“I won’t kick you out because I’m trying to avoid a scene. But do one wrong thing, Hammer, and I will personally see it that you will never set foot in any half decent establishment in this city.”

“You have no right to -”

“One thing, Hammer. I warned you.” She linked arms with Tony and started walking them away. “Asshole.”

Steve was in awe, but he also felt slightly lost. With the object of his overprotectiveness gone, his proximity to Justin Hammer was not only peculiar, but also a bit disturbing. He frowned at the man one more time for good measure and went to join Thor and Jane at a table.

The entire thing wasn’t great, but it wasn’t Steve’s worst night either. He was still high-strung about the Tony situation, and he wasn’t looking forward to be kissed by another stranger at midnight. While everyone gathered at the windows to welcome the new year, Steve snuck out and trekked up to the helicopter pad with minutes to spare.

The sky lit up as soon as the countdown ended. Downstairs, he imagined Bucky caught someone’s lips in a cheeky kiss. Thor had probably lifted Jane off the ground as they kissed. Bruce and Darcy were probably stood together on the side, embraced and optimistic. He rejoiced in being alone even more knowing his family were alright.

“Great minds and all that,” he heard, and even if he didn’t know all aspects of that voice already, the way his heart soared made it all clear.

“Shouldn’t you be entertaining people?”

“They’re sufficiently entertained,” Tony said in a clipped voice. “Lights and drinks, they’re alright.”

“So you’re ignoring your duties, then?” Steve asked with a smile.

“As often as I can,” came the reply.

The silence was uncomfortable at best, which put Steve even more on the edge. Even punctured by the frequent fireworks, it seemed deafening. He couldn’t help but turn to look at the way Tony’s face was lit up repeatedly by the bright colours. The scientist’s eyes looked tired and perhaps sad, and Steve’s stomach clenched painfully.

“Tony -”

“I’m sorry,” the man said suddenly.

“What?”

Tony sighed. “I’m sorry I overreacted and left you there. And then left you altogether. I don’t deal well with that sort of stress.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Steve interrupted and regretted it instantly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean -”

But Tony was smiling a bit now, and it seemed to not have been as insulting as it could have. “It’s okay, you’re right. Also, hearing you swear is music to my ears.”

“I can go all night.”

Tony raised an eyebrow and seemed to develop a very knowing smirk. “Is that the super serum talking or are you just that good?”

Steve was a bit lost. “What?”

“Is that the super serum or are you just happy to see me?”

Okay, very lost. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m fucking with you, Steve,” Tony laughed. “Blatantly hitting on you to deflect from our less than happy conversation the other day.”

Steve finally got it. “Ah! Well, you’re an ashole,” he announced matter-of-factly.

“Uhm, yes? Hello, have we met?”

“No, where have you been all my life?”

Tony paused. Then opened his mouth. Then closed it. Then closed his eyes. Then smiled. When he opened them, Steve’s breath caught in his throat.

“Sometimes I think I’ve got you all figured out and then you say something and manage to surprise me.” The silence was less uncomfortable this time. He didn’t have a chance to say anything before Tony spoke again. “I’m not mad at you, I worry about you.”

Steve sighed. “I think there’s a place in some afterlife where Howard just tripped and had no idea why.”

“What afterlife? Why?” Tony asked with a laugh.

“Because we finally found we have something in common. Worrying, I mean. About others, not myself. This isn’t going very well.”

Tony laughed harder. “We have a lot of other things in common, Captain.”

“Name one,” Steve challenged.

“We also tend to be reckless and rush into situations that seem without escape just to satisfy some sort of very inner inferiority complex,” he said casually.

“Are you… what was it you said? Are you fucking with me again?” Steve asked with a smile.

“You’d know if I was,” Tony said, a flirtatious hint in his voice. “Also, well done for deflecting. I think dad just had to sit down to avoid an accident because that’s three things so far.”

Steve laughed. “I’m sorry too, Tony. I don’t know about the inferiority complex you mentioned, but I do know that I care about all of our slightly dysfunctional extended family so much that I become stupid at times.”

“Slightly? At times? Your modesty precedes you, Captain.” Tony bowed his head in mock courtesy.

“Shove it, Stark.”

“Very British of you. Put on a posh accent and I might just discover a language kink.”

“I won’t even pretend I don’t have to google that,” Steve admitted. The fireworks were still going off around them.

Tony laughed. “You know, I’ve been thinking of building my own search engine.”

“You just want your name to become a verb. So you can hear people say they would have to ‘Stark’ something.”

“My days of Starking people are over, I’m afraid. Casual sex just isn’t the same when you might be called away on a mission.”

“You are the literal worst, Stark. A scoundrel!” He had to focus to breathe through Tony’s rich laugh, head thrown back in delight. “What about Tinder?”

“People just don’t believe I’m me!” He shrugged. “And with my luck, I’d just end up accidentally hooking up with some villain who would kidnap me and I just know I wouldn’t ever live it down. None of you would let me.”

It was Steve’s turn to burst into laughter. “We could probably make it go viral on youtube or something. We’d get Thor to narrate it. I’d make some snazzy animations for it. It could work!”

“Oh, Tish. That’s French.”

“What?”

“You know what it does to me when you speak contemporary English. Say viral one more time.”

“You’re such an asshole,” Steve said affectionately. “I’ll have you know I don’t understand that reference, and I now have an ongoing list of things I have to google.”

“Would you rather Stark them?”

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sure you have your suit bracelets on. I could just push you. No one would know. Who would believe the righteous Captain America threw Tony Stark off a roof?”

“Everyone who has ever interacted with me in any way, shape, or form, Steve.” He turned to touch Steve’s shoulder. “Besides, people are starting to catch on that you’re not a saint. Soon you’ll slick your hair back and ride a motorcycle. Oh, wait.”

“I’m sure that’s somehow insulting.”

Tony nodded. “Mildly, don’t worry about it too much.”

“That’s the least of my worries. As long as you insult me, I know you’re alive, and that’s all I care about really.”

Too much. He’d said too much because he got comfortable. He’d underestimated how much he enjoyed Tony’s company. And now he’d basically come out and admitted that his main concern was Tony’s well being. No, this was absolutely great. Not mortifying or threatening to an already shaky friendship. The fireworks seemed to die down and Steve wondered if the colourful display was the closest he was going to get to being anything with Tony. Just that time, like stepping into a parallel universe where things weren’t horrible. And now that it was almost over, he would step back into his own universe, where he was a babbling idiot who could never overcome Tiny Steve. Tony was talking to him.

“Steve, where did you go? Focus on my voice. Are you okay?” There was definitely concern in the voice, but then again Steve was kind of important to the team.

“What? Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. Just thinking, that’s all.” He knew the lie wasn’t convincing, but it was all he could do.

“Sure. So earlier this evening you were just thinking? You know, when Barnes had to drag you out of the room and you were practically hyperventilating?” The voice was strained to stay calm, and Steve was painfully aware he was fucking up again.

“It’s honestly nothing, Tony,” he said tiredly. “I have a lot on my mind and I just need to focus harder, that’s all.”

“Okay. Okay, I’ll let it go for now. But if this keeps happening you come straight to me and we’ll work it out, yeah?” Tony’s hand on his shoulder was so familiar now, Steve was actually surprised when it tightened in what he catalogued as a caring gesture.

His mind flew to Christmas Day. It was probably one of the symptoms of losing his mind, because he had no explanation of what came over him. He turned to the left and stepped into Tony’s personal space. Slowly, mindful of everything - from implications, to Tony’s potential disdain for physical contact -, he lifted his arms and brought them around the shorter man. Just as slowly he let himself step closer and simultaneously pull the scientist into the embrace. The sky was quiet now, Steve’s mind was calming down, and he was happy to notice they hadn’t stepped into a parallel universe after all.

“Yeah, I’ll come to you,” he said quietly.

They stood together for a while. It didn’t feel out of place under the smoke smell still lingering around them. On the streets below, people were happy, and Steve allowed himself the tiniest inkling of hope that perhaps the two of them could be happy as well.

As soon as they joined the others at the bar downstairs, Steve knew something was off. Not in an impending attack way, but in a someone-left-a-banana-peel-outside-your-room-oops way. He naturally turned to Natasha to assess the situation. But Natasha was smiling ominously, and Steve was suddenly a lot more concerned.

It happened extremely quickly. He was pulled away from the bar gently but firmly. He knew to differentiate threatening touches from his teammates’. So he allowed himself to be maneuvered a couple of steps back. As soon as there was more room around him, he felt them close in on him. There was definitely Bucky, Natasha who was chuckling next to his ear, Bruce (even in hindsight he didn’t see that one coming) and Darcy (he definitely saw that one metaphorically running towards him because prank plots always involved Darcy), Thor, and Clint who seemed to coordinate the mayhem. Sam was late to this very invading reunion, but he emerged in between Thor and Darcy and closed in on him quickly.

They were all holding bits of mistletoe, waving it frantically in the general space above them. It wasn’t in sync, but as close as kind of tipsy Avengers managed. They all leaned in and kissed various parts of his body they could reach. He felt a wet one on the back of his head, and just knew the loud smooching noises were Bucky’s. There was a gentle one on his temple, some on his arms, a bearded one on his forehead. He felt himself blush, and his mortification only increased when he realised Tony had his phone out and was taking pictures. The scientist’s eyes were sparkling with mirth and potential laughing tears.

Steve was certain he would either pass out or just run away when he saw Tony snag some mistletoe and rush to join their standing puppy pile. He switched the phone to front camera and inserted himself into the photo op. His lips puckered somewhere at Steve’s jaw, and for days after he could swear he felt them actually touch his skin.

“Oh my god,” he whisper-shouted. He couldn’t help but laugh. They were such idiots. “Oh my god, fuck off all of you!”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Drop me a line and let me know how you found it. Remember, if you don't have anything nice to say, make sure it's at least constructive. If it can't be constructive, shove it up your arse. Thanks for reading, much love xx
> 
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